How will your kids adjust to life after divorce?
What can you do to give your children the opportunity to make the most of their childhood?
Many say, “More money would be good.”
No question. Money solves many problems.
But this post is not about child support or spousal support, rather let’s look at how a good parenting plan can minimize the negative psychological effects of divorce on children. And a fair plan increases the likelihood that child support will be paid.
Because divorce has become so prevalent and its impact so profound there is a lot of new research on divorce’s effect on children.
The researchers have fine tuned their tools and have better information to help us think about child custody and parenting time.
Marital Conflict
The standard belief was, “Divorce always has a negative impact on children.”
That belief has changed.
Newer studies have found that most of the negative impact of divorce comes from the conflict that occurred during the marriage. In fact pre-divorce marital conflict is a more important predictor of negative adjustment than divorce. B Kelly, Children's Adjustment in Conflicted Marriage and Divorce: A Decade Review of Research, 39 J. Am. Acad. Child & Adol. Psychiatry 963 (2000)
Does that mean that divorce is better than any marital conflict?
No. Not necessarily.
Conflict is a fact of life, especially if you are married with children.
Raising kids creates a world of stuff to argue about. So, conflict is not the problem rather it is how it is resolved.
If children see conflict resolved through compromise and negotiation rather than with verbal attacks they are less likely to be negatively impacted.
Or,
If the child has “buffers,” such as a grandparent, sibling or a positive group of friends who help diffuse the situation in the child’s mind the negative effects can be lessened.
But,
When a child is placed in the center of a conflict or if after the marriage has ended the child is used to carry messages between parents or act as a monitor in the other parent’s home this tends to cause the child to conceal their thoughts and emotions from their parents. And this leads to adjustment issues.
If the conflict is high intensity and frequent it can lead to the children having difficulty forming attachments.
The point to take away…
Conflict isn’t necessarily bad if it is resolved through negotiation and the child isn’t placed in the middle.
Another factor in children’s adjustment after divorce is the…
The Parents’ Mental Health
Divorce creates a tremendous amount of new stress. This stress is on top of the stress of being in an unworkable marriage. This makes it harder to be a parent and help your children with their adjustments.
Academic researchers have discovered that the following are the major sources of this post divorce stress.
Before I list them, let me say that they may seem pretty commonsensical. But it is important to put a name on a problem or feeling and know that others have overcome them.
And, most importantly, you are not alone.
The stressors list, in no particular order.
A parent’s need to return to work.
A social support network that has been reduced.
A parent may need to redevelop a sense of who they are.
Financial stress.
A work life/balance that is now out of balance because more money is now necessary.
Processing anger.
Due to all of this, counseling should be part of divorce.
It is so easy to unknowingly slip into a negative emotional pattern. The feelings that seem so sensible and inevitable until it is impossible to unwind the knot and find a way forward.
A therapist is definitely necessary.
Parenting Style
Divorce interrupts parenting by reducing communication and consistency. However this interruption can be reduced and maybe even erased by positive parental involvement. Capaldi, D. M., & Patterson, G. R. Relation of parental transition to boys’ adjustment problems: Mothers at risk for transitions and unskilled parenting. Developmental Psychology, 27, 489–504. (1991)
And what is positive parental involvement?
There are three basic parenting styles.
Authoritarian - this is heavy on obedience, also known as the “Just Do It” style.
Permissive - this is where parents are reluctant to impose standards. Also known as the “Please do it and I’ll buy you a pair of Nikes,” style.
Authoritative - relies on reason and teaching problem solving skills instead of threats to set limits.
The authoritative parenting style helps kids become more self reliant, socially accepted, well behaved and academically successful. And it is used by most middle class families.
But, it is the rare parent who is confined to one parenting style.
Rather most parents use all three styles depending on how much time, energy and patience they have. Sometimes they use all three styles during the same conversation.
But, one thing is constant, encouraging academic achievement helps kids through divorce. Charles Martinez, Adjusting to Change: Linking Family Structure Transitions with Parenting and Boy's Adjustment 16 J. Fam Psychol 107, 115 (2002).
Another way to minimize the effect of divorce on children is…
Dads in Divorce
Researchers have coined the term “non-main caregiver” because usually but not always, the main caregiver is the mother and they realize that these roles are not always gender driven. For simplicity and clarity I’ll refer to the “non-main caregiver” as father because that is most often the case. And to all the dads who are the main care giver please accept my apologies.
The amount of time and type of activities spent with father has a significant impact on the children. William Fabricius, Custody and Parenting Time: Links to Family Relationships and Well-Being After Divorce, The Role of the Father in Child Development , 201 (2010)
It is hard to say what a significant or even the usual amount of parenting time is. The amount of parenting time can’t be compared between studies. One study says that an afternoon is equal to a day and other studies require there to be an overnight visit for a day to be counted.
But maybe the precise number of days isn’t important.
It seems pretty clear that it’s impossible to have a positive relationship without spending time together.
What is clearly important is how this time is spent.
If parenting time is only about having fun, it’s unlikely that a lasting, meaningful connection will be formed. Instead, helping with homework, school projects and participating in the mundane activities that make up everyday life are how lasting bonds are formed.
But it is important to note that in a study of 800 college students who were contacted 10 years after their parent’s divorce, most of the student said that they most wished they had more time with their dad. 70% said they preferred an equal time schedule and as time with dad increased to 50% there was a decrease in anger toward dad. W Fabricius, Listening to Children of Divorce: New Findings that Diverge form Wallerstein, 52 Fam Rel. 385, 389 (2003)
Children with involved fathers are less likely to be expelled from school, they get better grades and they tend to like school. These children’s graduation rates and grades do not differ significantly from children from non divorced families.
And a very important factor,
Father’s who are more involved with their children are more consistent providing financial support.
Child Support
The parent with primary custody generally experiences a significant decrease in income. Fixed costs double and incomes don’t.
And often the custodial parent has to work. As children spend more time in daycare, parental supervision and involvement decrease. There are fewer opportunities for enrichment activities.
However, children of divorce’s level of achievement is on par with families who have the same income and education as the divorced children’s mother.
In other words,
It isn’t divorce that is the problem but rather the lack of money. There are ways to help.
By creating a flexible parenting plan this negative effect of divorce on children can be reduced.
Less daycare is used when the parenting plan can change to reflect work schedules. Money is saved and the kids have more parent time.
The key to being able to having a flexible parenting plan is reducing negative divorce emotions. This can be done by therapy or by using mediation.
And of course.
Children’s Perceptions
Children bring their own coping skills and temperament which allows some kids to handle transitions better than others.
Even considering this,
Kids who have repeated exposure to angry and unresolved disputes tend to view conflict as threatening.
In an attempt to gain control over an uncontrollable situation, some children blame themselves for the conflict. This gives them a sense control. The problem is, this leads to guilty feelings. They believe it’s their fault they couldn’t stop the fighting.
And this can lead to feeling of guilt, shame, helplessness and diminished self worth which can lead to adjustment problems.
Boys tend to externalize their reactions. As they enter their teens they may act out or have anger issues. Girls tend to internalize their guilt. Martial Conflict an Early Teen Self Eval, 41 J Youth Adolescence 749 (2012)
The solution to this is family or child therapy.
Conclusion
75% to 80% of children do not have significant problems after divorce. They don’t develop differently from other children.
I think there are at least three key takeaways from the research.
If you or your child feel overwhelmed or lost during this transition professional counseling can help. No one expects you to figure this out by yourself.
Create a flexible parenting plan that will allow your children to benefit from meaningful contact with both parents. This has been shown to increase their educational outcomes and generally creates a positive adjustment.
Find a way to manage conflict during your marriage.
Use mediation if divorce is necessary.
Families who use mediation are more likely to have a better post divorce relationship than families who litigate their divorce. There are greater feelings of fairness and it’s more likely that both parents will stay involved. It will see be rocky at the start, but it will put you on a good path.
And remember,
Even though you are divorced, your family is not gone it has changed. Know that your kids want both parents in their life. The only question is how to make this happen.
There is a lot of open road ahead of you. This ride isn’t over by any stretch of the imagination.
Ted Andrews is an attorney and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst living in Southern California. He practices throughout California using online tools.
Disclaimer - The information provided in this post is for general information purposes only and should not be construed as legal advice. You should not act or rely upon this information without seeking formal professional counsel. The information provided in this post is not intended to create an attorney-client relationship.